Attachment Theory: What’s Yours?

Attachment theory is used in counseling to describe the relationship patterns developed from the first caregiving experience that we experience as children. When strong bonds are formed, it is argued that children grow into better adjusted adults that don’t act out of fear or separation anxiety.

 

Attachment Theory Goes Back to Our Primal Roots

When you think of how you relate to others, do you need constant reassurance that they care about you? Or, do you find yourself in relationships that are very co-dependent where you do everything together and start to alienate others? Both of these types of behaviors indicate an attachment style that can be improved with counseling, self-esteem growth, and general health and wellness, especially for anxiety and fear.

 

“A strong attachment to a caregiver provides a necessary sense of security and foundation. Without such a relationship in place, [early studies] found that a great deal of developmental energy is expended in the search for stability and security.” — Psychologist World

 

And, it makes sense. If we go back to our primal instincts, a baby cries out for help. If that help is not received, or if they are abused or neglected by their primary caregiver(s), they will develop opposite responses to fear and not get their basic needs satisfied, leading them to act differently to get what they need or want. After time and years of growth, the teenage version and adult versions have now had repeated exposure to the caregiver’s behavior and it creates a pattern that psychologists call attachment style.

 

How Can You Find Out What Your Attachment Style Is?

There are a few types of attachment styles, though there are people who fall into every slight variation of them. In attachment style theory, the “secure” attachment style is the ideal. A person with this style has a healthy self-esteem, is confident, and is not reactionary. They are self-disciplined and observant of other’s feelings while not taking them on as their own. On the other hand, someone with an “anxious-preoccupied” attachment style craves intimacy, yet commonly doubts themselves, leading to miscommunication and potential friction in relationships. This attachment style can stem from constantly trying (and failing) to please a caregiver early in life. Being a constant “disappointment” to their parents, an anxious-preoccupied attachment style causes the person to need constant attentions and approval.

Next in the set of attachment styles are the “dismissive-avoidant” and “fearful-avoidant” styles. These two have one thing in common. They are both attachments styles which are untrusting of caregivers. They have been conditioned not to rely on anyone. Or, to be disappointed by them. In the case of the dismissive-avoidant type, they tell themselves that “they are good” and that they need no one’s help. It can be hard to create meaningful relationships with a lack of trust and a protective shield of lack of intimacy. And, with fearful avoidant types. they are both untrusting, yet craving attention and love. When they do receive it, they are so fearful of the intimacy that they push back to their comfort zone, oftentimes alienating themselves from the relationship.

Can You “Fix” Your Attachment Style?

Have I worried you enough? Don’t stress because with time, support, practice and wellness, you can learn to understand your attachment style, and by knowing this, you can be aware of tendencies that lean towards promoting one or the other. In time, you can seriously reduce your attachment to anything. Meditation, journaling, counseling and nature can all help with reducing some of the most troublesome patterns with your attachment style.

Let’s make sure to get one thing clear though, you don’t need fixing! There is nothing that you could have done to change your attachment style. It was determined for you by your caregiver and probably your genes too, neither of which you are able to control. So, if you find that you might be one of the more “negative” attachment styles, don’t fret, because everything can be improved with the right care. Making mental wellness part of that plan is always a good idea and can help your relationships with others and yourself.

 Ways to Improve Your Responses to Attachment

In addition to everything I already mentioned, there are even more ways to reduce and improve your responses to attachment. Some of these ideas help with relationships and some are things you can do yourself. 

  • Gardening (helps you be mindful and in the moment)

  • Writing down things that hurt you and burning the paper

  • Setting a daily intention

  • Exercise

  • Mediation

  • Writing in a Gratitude Journal

  • Creating art

  • Taking yourself on a solo adventure

  • Volunteering